Codepad – The ClassHelper.org™ Blog

I’ve got a confession to make: I don’t play any massively multiplayer online roleplaying games. However, I’ve got a brother that does. While recuperating from some minor medical treatment, he’s been keeping his fingers in shape WoWing it up. Add that to the months of shoulder-surfing experience I’ve got with gamer friends, and I’m practically an expert. Being a programmer, I’ve decided to flesh out what a MMORPG for attorneys might look like.

You’ve got to have various character classes, of course. The legal world should provide plenty of inspiration for the different creatures you might see running around in the Land of Lawsuits.

1. The Litigator – Half alive, half dead, this crazed maniac of an attorney is more than capable of hurling a neverending barrage of obscure prior precedents at anyone foolish enough to cross him. Spending roughly 75% of his time in a dark, cave-like environment known as “The Office,” he only risks exposure to sunlight long enough to cross into the magical realm known as “The Courtroom.”

2. The Cochran – This character is actually completely dead at all times, but doesn’t realize it. Leading an army of Associate Minions, the Cochran wields amazing powers of obfuscation over his enemies. Casting the “Wookie Defense” with his magical Ill-Fitting Glove to cloud the field of battle, this fearsome foe leaves adversaries trembling at his powers of persuasion.

3. The Jack Valenti – Not actually an attorney himself, this character nonetheless commands large groups of Copyright Enforcers, whose sole purpose in life is to rain down fiery waves of DMCA notices upon hapless citizens of The Realm of Artistic Enjoyment. Rumored to have pure kerosene running through his veins, this dude’s arch-enemy is The Champion of Fair Use.

4. The Divorcer - Famous for his tactic of changing the rules of engagement every ten minutes in heated combat, this character commands others like The Prenuptuator and The Asset Sleuth. Easily capable of dragging out campaigns for years, he specializes in wearing down opponents until they would rather chew glass than continue the battle.

5. The Judge – Capable of sleeping through entire battles without drawing unnecessary attention to himself, The Judge wields The Mighty Gavel of Justice. Whether the slamming of his gavel upon an enemy’s head actually represents justice is a matter for subclasses known as The Law Students to fight out with The Dreaded Deans.

6. The Ambulance Chaser – Unlike some characters that might actually be able to heal you, this one exists only to inflict treble damages on whatever just (unjust?) caused you grievous injury. What’s that you say? You fell off your horse because it didn’t have three foot wide guard rails installed on it? Well, well… this guy’s gonna exact unholy retribution on whatever stable your steed hails from.

Well, there’s six starter classes for you. In a later post, we’ll explore the happy citizens and wondrous realms that make up the Land of Lawsuits. Happy trails!